My Testimony
I've decided to post my testimony of how I came to faith in Jesus Christ, the Messiah.
This is a very long post. It was very difficult for me to write, but I feel it is the right thing to do.
I am a product of a broken home. My mother was deeply clinically depressed, and made our lives miserable. She was verbally abusive to all of us. Both my sister and I (and our stepfather for that matter) suffered because of her, in our own ways. My mother said things to us that I am ashamed to repeat to this day. She was not happy unless someone else was unhappy. In short, she was a bully.
When I reached middle school, I began to realize that there was nothing I could do to change the way she felt about me, or the way she treated me. I longed for the kindness and nurturing attitude that she could not provide. It was about this time that a friend invited me to go to church with him. I went to a weeknight meeting, where we had to memorize a bible verse. It was John 3:16 "For God so loved that world that he gave his only son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have eternal life." I didn't know what this meant, but I knew that it was important.
I hadn't ever gone to church, except for attending a Mormon church once or twice at the command of my mother. Somehow though I always had a faint sense that there was a God there and whatever He was He was good through and through. One night, after a particularly disturbing incident that I can't even recall, I told God what I was feeling. I remember very clearly, standing in my room in the dim yellow light, next to the door facing the tall dresser and saying to him "Okay, if you're there, you have to know that it's either me or her. We can't both live together like this for much longer. You have to take either me or her. I am not strong enough for this"
At this point I was around 12 years old. I was tired of living in fear. I was tired of jumping everytime my mother called. I was tired of worrying that when she called me to get her something I'd be in the bathroom and couldn't get to her quick enough to avoid punishment.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer (CML- Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia) around the time I had prayed this prayer to God. I truly did not know what I was asking for. I won't say that I prayed and God immediately struck my mother with cancer. I can't be sure of the exact progression of events. I am simply telling the story of what happened.
The next few years were tough on our entire family. My mother was convinced that she would die, and was almost obsessed with the 'fact' that she would die. She asked my biological father to come over from England so we could all talk about what would happen when she died. I believe the decision was that the 4 children should remain together. At the time I was about 13, my sister was 11, and my brothers were a toddler and a baby.
My mother was put on the drug Interferon to treat her cancer, but the only known cure for CML is a bone marrow transplant. She was admitted to Georgetown University Hospital, and received bone marrow from an unrelated donor in the fall/winter of 1996. She died on January 17th, 1997 from complications from this transplant.
To make a long story short, my stepfather no longer wanted my sister and I to live with him, and had thought of a plan to send us to England to live. I discovered this, and began looking for a way to remain in the United States to finish my High School education. I was lucky enough to receive an offer my one of my teachers to live with him and his wife. My biological father agreed with me that it was in my best interest to remain here, and I enlisted the help of the social worker at my high school (who I believe was also a lawyer) to help me. I discovered that my stepfather had no legal claim to my sister and I, and he was simply my dead mother's widower. I moved in with the nw family with my father's blessing, and began a new life.
It was hard living in a stranger's house. This couple had 5 children who were grown and out of the house, so they were empty nesters with a teenager they hardly knew living with them. They truly were an amazing blessing to me, and there is no way I would be where I am today without their help.
During my stay with this new family, symptoms of depression began to take hold in my life. I was terribly depressed and a psychiatrist put me on Prozac, Depakote and Diazepam (Valium). I took 4 Prozac in the morning with one Depakote, and I had a small bottle of Diazepam with me at all times, which he told me to take whenever I felt I needed it. At this point I was 16 or 17 years old, and well under 100lbs. For a few years I was on and off different meds, including Zoloft, Celexa, Geodon, Xanax, Trazodone and Wellbutrin.
While I was in college I met my husband-to-be, and we fell in love and decided to live together. We got an apartment and worked, went to school, and worked some more. I began to feel a gentle pull to start going to church and trying to read the Bible because it's 'the right thing to do'. We got married and tried going to a church near our home, but I found the sermons to be boring and irrelevant. Church was something that I felt I had to suffer through so when I died, I could tell God I went to church and he'd let me into heaven.
One day I was sitting at our kitchen table reading the book Left Behind. I knew in my heart that someday this Rapture would happen, and I wondered if I would go to be with God at that point. I realized I didn't know what I had to do, and I didn't know if I was good enough. I prayed right then, and told God that I was sick of trying to be spiritual and religious, and I was so sorry for everything I had done that was wrong. I told him that I wanted to be free of the darkness that had ruled in my life, and I wanted him to come into my life and take over. I told him that I was a mess of a person, totally incapable of running my own life. I asked him to please save me from myself.
From that moment on, I can honestly say that there was a huge change in my life. I was able to stop taking all of my antidepressants without a relapse of symptoms of depression. I have a deep sense of peace and joy- even though sometimes I'm not happy when life is difficult. I have discovered that joy is different from happiness.
I learned that Jesus was a man who was also God. He came to earth and lived a perfect life. He didn't even THINK a bad thought! I learned that he died on the cross, even though he could have saved himself at any moment. He gave his life as a sacrifice for mine. Because I believe this in my heart, and have appropriated his actions in my life I know for a fact that if I died tonight when I open my eyes I will be with God in heaven. I didn't think it was possible to know this for sure, but now I know it is. I am not afraid to die, so for the first time in my life I am not afraid to live.
This is a very long post. It was very difficult for me to write, but I feel it is the right thing to do.
I am a product of a broken home. My mother was deeply clinically depressed, and made our lives miserable. She was verbally abusive to all of us. Both my sister and I (and our stepfather for that matter) suffered because of her, in our own ways. My mother said things to us that I am ashamed to repeat to this day. She was not happy unless someone else was unhappy. In short, she was a bully.
When I reached middle school, I began to realize that there was nothing I could do to change the way she felt about me, or the way she treated me. I longed for the kindness and nurturing attitude that she could not provide. It was about this time that a friend invited me to go to church with him. I went to a weeknight meeting, where we had to memorize a bible verse. It was John 3:16 "For God so loved that world that he gave his only son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have eternal life." I didn't know what this meant, but I knew that it was important.
I hadn't ever gone to church, except for attending a Mormon church once or twice at the command of my mother. Somehow though I always had a faint sense that there was a God there and whatever He was He was good through and through. One night, after a particularly disturbing incident that I can't even recall, I told God what I was feeling. I remember very clearly, standing in my room in the dim yellow light, next to the door facing the tall dresser and saying to him "Okay, if you're there, you have to know that it's either me or her. We can't both live together like this for much longer. You have to take either me or her. I am not strong enough for this"
At this point I was around 12 years old. I was tired of living in fear. I was tired of jumping everytime my mother called. I was tired of worrying that when she called me to get her something I'd be in the bathroom and couldn't get to her quick enough to avoid punishment.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer (CML- Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia) around the time I had prayed this prayer to God. I truly did not know what I was asking for. I won't say that I prayed and God immediately struck my mother with cancer. I can't be sure of the exact progression of events. I am simply telling the story of what happened.
The next few years were tough on our entire family. My mother was convinced that she would die, and was almost obsessed with the 'fact' that she would die. She asked my biological father to come over from England so we could all talk about what would happen when she died. I believe the decision was that the 4 children should remain together. At the time I was about 13, my sister was 11, and my brothers were a toddler and a baby.
My mother was put on the drug Interferon to treat her cancer, but the only known cure for CML is a bone marrow transplant. She was admitted to Georgetown University Hospital, and received bone marrow from an unrelated donor in the fall/winter of 1996. She died on January 17th, 1997 from complications from this transplant.
To make a long story short, my stepfather no longer wanted my sister and I to live with him, and had thought of a plan to send us to England to live. I discovered this, and began looking for a way to remain in the United States to finish my High School education. I was lucky enough to receive an offer my one of my teachers to live with him and his wife. My biological father agreed with me that it was in my best interest to remain here, and I enlisted the help of the social worker at my high school (who I believe was also a lawyer) to help me. I discovered that my stepfather had no legal claim to my sister and I, and he was simply my dead mother's widower. I moved in with the nw family with my father's blessing, and began a new life.
It was hard living in a stranger's house. This couple had 5 children who were grown and out of the house, so they were empty nesters with a teenager they hardly knew living with them. They truly were an amazing blessing to me, and there is no way I would be where I am today without their help.
During my stay with this new family, symptoms of depression began to take hold in my life. I was terribly depressed and a psychiatrist put me on Prozac, Depakote and Diazepam (Valium). I took 4 Prozac in the morning with one Depakote, and I had a small bottle of Diazepam with me at all times, which he told me to take whenever I felt I needed it. At this point I was 16 or 17 years old, and well under 100lbs. For a few years I was on and off different meds, including Zoloft, Celexa, Geodon, Xanax, Trazodone and Wellbutrin.
While I was in college I met my husband-to-be, and we fell in love and decided to live together. We got an apartment and worked, went to school, and worked some more. I began to feel a gentle pull to start going to church and trying to read the Bible because it's 'the right thing to do'. We got married and tried going to a church near our home, but I found the sermons to be boring and irrelevant. Church was something that I felt I had to suffer through so when I died, I could tell God I went to church and he'd let me into heaven.
One day I was sitting at our kitchen table reading the book Left Behind. I knew in my heart that someday this Rapture would happen, and I wondered if I would go to be with God at that point. I realized I didn't know what I had to do, and I didn't know if I was good enough. I prayed right then, and told God that I was sick of trying to be spiritual and religious, and I was so sorry for everything I had done that was wrong. I told him that I wanted to be free of the darkness that had ruled in my life, and I wanted him to come into my life and take over. I told him that I was a mess of a person, totally incapable of running my own life. I asked him to please save me from myself.
From that moment on, I can honestly say that there was a huge change in my life. I was able to stop taking all of my antidepressants without a relapse of symptoms of depression. I have a deep sense of peace and joy- even though sometimes I'm not happy when life is difficult. I have discovered that joy is different from happiness.
I learned that Jesus was a man who was also God. He came to earth and lived a perfect life. He didn't even THINK a bad thought! I learned that he died on the cross, even though he could have saved himself at any moment. He gave his life as a sacrifice for mine. Because I believe this in my heart, and have appropriated his actions in my life I know for a fact that if I died tonight when I open my eyes I will be with God in heaven. I didn't think it was possible to know this for sure, but now I know it is. I am not afraid to die, so for the first time in my life I am not afraid to live.
posted by Adam and Hayley at 12:54 PM
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